Newsday TV Book Reviews

Pre-introduction Update.

2011-11-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

Again, it's been a while since the last updating, so I hope to get some more "new" John Cashman reviews on here soon, plus additions to the various side lists. I recently purchased a stack of TV Books (1978-1982), so there's plenty to mine. If this is your first visit to NTVBR, the particulars of my strange obsession follow. I'm still toying with the idea of a comprehensive guide, but for now this overview will have to do.

I also suggest you check out this post (and then this one) at my regular blog for a look at the fantastical art of Gary A. Viskupic, one of the illustrators for those very same 70's TV listings...

Introduction (updated 2/23/08)

2007-05-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

I own a collection of 1970's and 80's TV Books from the Long Island newspaper Newsday. They're as rare as hen's teeth these days (I should know---I collect those too), but one of the reasons I make the effort is the reviews. I never knew who wrote them (if indeed it was the work of one bleary-eyed night owl, which I always liked to imagine it was), but they often had a wickedly smart-ass tone that cracked me up.

One day as I perused the March 27, 1977 edition, I noticed that the Academy Award ballot for the Oscars that week has selections made by "TV Book movie reviewer John Cashman."

Unfortunately, internet searches on this lead turned up little. I found an obituary for his daughter, who died in 2001. It seems to refer to him in the past tense, and says father and daughter both worked on the TV books.

In April 2007, I got my hands on almost three years' worth of early 70's TV Books, expanding my collection from thirty-one to 175 (big thanks to Mike T. of Oceanside and craigslist). Serendipitiously, I discovered the answers to my questions. First, in the TV Line questions-and-answers column of the March 25th, 1973 issue, I found this:

Q. I am a middle aged housewife who has never written to a newspaper or magazine before, but I am being forced by my family to do so. The best part of your whole newspaper is the movie reviews in the TV section. We are constantly reading them to each other. Some are the best comedy writing I have ever read. We would love to know who writes them, and also see a picture of him. Please tell us something about him. Please thank him for the fun and laughs he brings to our home each week.---C.K., Dix Hills.
A. Though the Phantom Reviewer thanks you for your kind words, he continues to refuse to reveal his identity. But we conspired with the Newsday art department to get a rendering of the Phantom for you. One of the artists sneaked a peek at him the other day while he was asleep at his desk (he'd watched movies all night) and he awoke and, well, see above.
Continuing to search through the books, the December 8th, 1974 issue at last answered the big question, which was still coming in from readers:

The Phantom Reviewer has finally decided to throw off the cloak of anonymity and reveal himself as the flesh and blood author of the wit and wisdom that has given readers so much pleasure. He is Newsday staffer John Cashman. Formerly day Nassau editor, John spent last year in California on a Stanford University fellowship and is now an Ideas writer, kibitzer and all-around pussycat. John, who was previously a columnist and has authored two books, is married and the father of four children. He has been going to the movies seriously for more than 35 years and has, thus far, written more than 4,000 movie reviews for the TV Book.
So that answers who he was, but not what became of him. If anyone has information, let me know...
In any case, it was Cashman's droll reviews that inspired my tribute. They're often clever and funny, but more importantly to the format, they're brutally succinct. Sometimes there's a damning-with-faint-praise quality to them, as with this one of 1944's The Purple Heart: "Dated and embarrassing, but not bad of that ilk." Some reviews are damning with their ambivalence, such as the "Not good, not bad" earned by 1941's Honkytonk. I have so far found twenty-eight films described as "sitthroughable." He also delights in consistently pointing out the prettiness of Rhonda Fleming, and the unprettiness of Vera Hruba Ralston. (I've also found ten separate references to Alan Ladd taking off his shirt, but that's a topic to ponder another time.)

Another reason I love reading these reviews is that they recall an era when you never knew what treasure you might find among the meager offerings on your handful of channels. Many of the movies I'll list here probably haven't seen the light of the little screen in years, except perhaps on Turner Classic Movies, or mutilated and mired in commercials on AMC. Happily, some live on as experiments of "Mystery Science Theater 3000." And I recently acquired one, Creature From the Haunted Sea, in a DVD set of 50 horror movies for $15.99 at Big Lots along with many other public domain-type cinematic ephemera. (To quote a familiar Cashman line, it's even worse than it sounds.)

Cashman sometimes throws in obscure names or leaves you hanging with trivia that you would then have to see the film to figure out. (Of course, these days you can just look up South Sea Sinner on IMDb to see just who that piano player is, or Google "Abner Biberman"... )

Abner Biberman.

Although I normally limit my childhood nostalgia collection to items from the years 1974-1983, I did purchase a Newsday TV guide from 1984 a while back. It strangely summed up why my fond recollections end around autumn '83. Well, certainly there's my entrance into public high school, an unceremonious end to the fun and hijinks of Catholic grade school. But I see there are no more cheesy horror and sci-fi flicks on Saturday mornings and afternoons. Indicating an end of innocence, if you will, the genre listing "adult" pops up frequently, where it had very rarely appeared in the older, mostly cable-free guides. And, worst of all, due to those new channels growing like kudzu, the reviews are strangled into one-line, snark-free encapsulations. (The 1973 TV movie A Cold Night's Death, for example, is described upon its initial showing as "Two men isolated in a snowbound mountain lab to study the effects of altitude on apes become victims themselves of a terrifying, unknown experiment." Eleven years later, it's summarized thus: "Two men are isolated.")

It was a new era alright, ushering in endless showings of bland Hollywood blockbuster slop and made-for-cable crap, while effectively discarding anything in black-and-white or made over twenty years ago.

While I would love to compile Cashman's work completely, I am for now sticking to the much easier task of just including the funniest or most trivia-laden reviews. If one doesn't interest you, keep reading--the next may have you laughing out loud. While it may seem from this collection that he delighted mainly in eviscerating the dross of Hollywood's output, I assure you he was, foremost, a movie lover.

2/23/08 update: I have revised the blog so that you must use the menu on the left to navigate through the reviews. I've done this because my sitemeter shows people visiting the blog daily, but no visitors or visitation time actually recorded. This is because the meter only registers a visit after the user clicks on a second page. With all the reviews on the first page, no second page is clicked, thus no visit recorded. I haven't added any new reviews in a while, but I hope to in coming weeks. The most recent additions are titled in blue.

Reviews, A-F

2007-05-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

Across the Wide Missouri (1951) "Clark Gable blazes a trail west from St. Louis. It's a slow burn."

The Adventures of Hajji Baba (1954) "Minor fun."

The Adventure of Tortuga (1964) "Pirates and stuff and a bomb."

Air Raid Wardens (1943) "Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy don't exactly go to war, but it's a battle. Not vintage L & H, but it does have Edgar Kennedy."

Alaska Seas (1954) "Fishing and canning in Alaska, with Robert Ryan and Brian Keith vying for the salmon and Jan Sterling. The salmon are pretty."

Alphaville (1965) "Jean-Luc Godard on an off day. A private eye, electronic brains and a planetary visitor. Confused."

The Amazing Colossal Man (1957) "An explosion mucks up this army officer and throws off his metabolism so that he grows and grows and grows. In the bargain, he goes walnuts. Amazing isn't the word."

The Amazing Dr. G (1965) "Somebody is out to turn top government leaders into robots, which isn't a bad idea. Making the film was."

Amityville II: The Possession (1982) [given a one star rating] "If you live in Amityville, delete the star."

Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders (1965) "An attempt at a female 'Tom Jones' that doesn't quite make it because Kim Novak is no Albert Finney. Everyone else is fine, wenches, scoundrels and rakes alike. Give it a try, but be aware that it's long."

Angels Wash Their Faces (1939) "The title has nothing to do with the picture, but 'Angels with Dirty Faces' did so well the year before, Warners figured it had a hot title. So much for art."

Apache Drums (1951) "The townspeople don't like to have this gambler around except when the Mescalero Apaches are attacking. Root for the Mescaleros."

Apache Trail (1972) "When somebody steals their ceremonial pipe, the Apaches get ticked off. About ten minutes into the film, you will, too."

Apache Uprising (1966) "Rory Calhoun flutters his eyelashes a lot. So does Corinne Calvet. The Indians look stoned."

The Apple (1980) "Futuristic rock fantasy/martial arts film. A little bit of everything done badly."

Assault on a Queen (1966) "Even Frank Sinatra doesn't keep it from becoming an assault on your senses."

The Atomic Brain (1964) "About a brain transplant. It was formerly titled 'Monstrosity.' And it is."

The Atomic Submarine (1959) "An underwater flying saucer is eating submarines in the Arctic, which is about as exciting as a bowl of cold gruel."

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958) "A giantess from a satellite causes her victims to grow to giant size. Better laugh it off."

Bachelor Flat (1962) "Dizzy and mild."

Back From the Dead (1957) "Spirit possession and other deadly stuff. Bury it."

The Bad Seed (1956) Bad genetics, but a good show. Patty McCormack is properly menacing in the title role as an evil little girl. Stagey in parts, especially the final bows."

Bataan (1943) "Weirdly nostalgic."

Bathing Beauty (1944) "Red Skelton, a loser in love, enrolls at a girls' school. Esther Williams is the swimming teacher. What more do you need to know? Xavier Cugat and his dog and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone."

Battle at Bloody Beach (1961) "You find something else to watch."

Battle Circus (1953) "Love and gore, nothing more."

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) "Pierre Boulle is still shaking his head in disbelief."

Battle of the Worlds (1961) " A sad twilight for Claude Rains."

Beach Ball (1965) "Girls in bathing suits, rock musicians, surfing, sand and girls in bathing suits. Very healthy cast, very sick script."

Beast From the Haunted Cave (1959) Take some gangsters, mix well with a legendary beast, throw in a blizzard to spice it up, then watch it all jell into cold pablum."

Beat Generation (1959) "A mishmash of bad lines, situations and performances sprinkled with music. Jack Kerouac would retch."

The Beginning of the End (1957) "[With] Peter Graves. Would you believe, a small town is mysteriously wiped out by giant grasshoppers eight feet tall? How's that for a mission impossible."

Belle le Grand (1951) "Lady gambler and her boyfriend and le stupid. Vera Hruba Ralston is not pretty."

The Bells of St. Mary's (1945) "Smiles and tears, the works."

Be My Guest (1963) "English and noisy."

Ben (1972) "With Willard out of the way, little Ben gets his own film. Rats."

Bengazi (1955) [from a 4:15 am listing] "Go to sleep."

Berlin Correspondent (1942) "Flag waver as an early Dana Andrews (he plays the title) helps a couple of nice persons escape the Nazis. Also starring Virginia Gilmore and, of course, Martin Kosleck."

Berserk (1968) "This circus features a maniacal killer, healthy Ty Hardin, sexy Diana Dors and Joan Crawford, who at 60 plus still had great legs."

Best Foot Forward (1943) "...including a stirring version of the unforgettable ''Buckle Down Winsockie.' Youthful vigor buoys any slack."

Better a Widow (1969) "The original mafia operating on its home grounds on behalf of the peasants. It's enough to send Mario Puzo up a wall."

Beyond Mombasa (1957) "Cornel Wilde does his muscular best to save this flaccid tale."

The Big Beat (1958) "A square recording executive brings his jazzed-up son into the business and together they beat the film to death."

The Big Sleep (1946) "Watch for Bogart's hat-turned-up imitation of a bookworm."

Billy Jack (1971) "A violent paean to non-violence that mixes Indians, free schools and might-as-right into intriguing simple-mindedness. Great movie for one-dimensional heads."

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula (1966) "From the folks who brought you 'Pancho Villa Meets Godzilla.'"

Black Like Me (1964) "It has absolutely nothing to say and says that badly."

Black Patch (1957) "Aaaarrgghh!"

Black Sunday (1961) "One day each century, Satan comes to life and mucks things up. This is one of those days."

Blast of Silence (1961) "Professional gunman in New York City to lean on a racketeer. Title sums it up."

The Blob (1958) "An interesting monster is on the loose, but this time a bunch of teenagers, not scientists, must save the world. Not bad--if you're a teenager or interested in watching Steve McQueen learn his trade."

Blondie Knows Best (1947) "Of course she does. Dagwood blows his job again and winds up taking truth serum. Dagwood's a boob."

Blood Alley (1955) "John Wayne vs. the Chinese Commies on their home turf. He's beautiful. Treats them just like Indians."

Blood and Black Lace (1965) "A gory Italian-made mystery that confuses cheap shock with entertainment. Some of the blood and stuff will be cut and that will leave nothing."

Blood on the Arrow (1964) "If you don't think an attempt to rescue a small child from a band of Apaches can be dull, try this."

Blue Hawaii (1962) "A mixed blessing for the Hawaiian Chamber of Commerce."

The Blue Lagoon (1980) "Extraordinarily lovely to look at, appalling to listen to."

Boeing, Boeing (1965) "Christine Schmidtmeir is a large woman."

Bomb at 10:10 (1967) "Never was a title more explicit."

The Bottom of the Bottle (1956) "A baddie."

Boy on a Dolphin (1957) "[Sophia] Loren and the Greek islands are a feast for the eyes. The story and Alan Ladd are a drag."

The Brain From Planet Arous (1958) "A being floats in outer space, which is the signal for everybody to float off to another channel. Strictly for the brainless."

Brainstorm (1965) "It plays." [Familiar Cashman non-endorsement]

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1963) "Oh, wow."

Break in the Circle (1957) "A boat owner gets involved with a large red herring."

Broken Arrow (1950) "Just a sensational guy, this Cochise."

The Brotherhood (1968) "As a movie, it plays. As philosophy, it stinks."

Brushfire (1962) "A cliche a minute."

A Bullet For Sandoval (1970) "A rent-money outing for Ernest Borgnine."

Bullets Don't Argue (1965) "Good and bad bank robbers, an understanding sheriff and all the excitement of cold oatmeal."

The Burning Hills (1956) "His brother already dead, a man hides from the killers with the help of a halfbreed girl. Also needing help, but not getting it, are the director, script writer and the actors."

The Butterfly Affair (1971) "Henri 'Papillion' Charriere in his first and only screen appearance."

By the Light of the Silvery Moon (1953) Wholesome and dated family fun with Doris Day and Gordon MacRae who just happen to sing all around the house and outdoors, just like everyone else."

Cairo (1963) "George Sanders, Richard Johnson and that old favorite, Faten Hamama."

Calamity Jane (1953) "How Calamity won the heart of Wild Bill Hickok. You've got to wonder about those two."

California (1961) "In the fight to free California from Mexico, it is brother against half-brother. Root for the Mexicans."

California Passage (1950) "A horse opera to sleep by. [With] Vera Hruba Ralston's stand-in, Adele Mara."

Call Him Mr. Shatter (1975) "Call him anything you like."

Call of the Wild (1935) "It's about gold, the Klondike, a dog race and other mush."

Camille 2000 (1980) "A rotten movie."

The Candy Man (1968) "LSD and kidnaping, involving show biz and other strange persons down Mexico way. Why is George Sanders in this movie?"

Cannibal Attack (1954) "The only way this quickie could have been saved would be for the cannibals to have eaten Jungle Jim behind the title credits."

Caprice (1967) "Cosmetics, dope, Doris Day, Richard Harris and other frivolities."

Captain Falcon (1964) "An Italian Robin Hood saves 13th Century Italy from a wicked baron... As you recall we last saw Captain Falcon hanging by his teeth from a fern at the cliff's edge. In this week's chapter..."

Captain Nemo and the Underwater City (1970) "Basic seaweed. Children might like it. Jules Verne wouldn't."

Captain Pirate (1953) "Errol Flynn couldn't have saved this one, and Louis Hayward is no Errol Flynn."

Carrie (1952) "Nice line outside the soup kitchen."

The Castilian (1963) "Spanish made and ragged, with an American cast picking up some fast pesetas."

Castle on the Hudson (1940) "Try it, but not for its simple-minded penology."

The Cat Creeps (1946) "And so does everything else in this fizzle about a murdered girl's soul now occupying a cat. Even Douglas Dumbrille can't save it."

Chain Lightning (1950) "Not one of Humphrey Bogart's finer moments."

Charge at Feather River (1953) "Watch for things coming at the camera because this is another 3-D flick gone straight to dullsville. Cavalry and Indians this time. Vera Miles is pretty."

China (1943) "Alan Ladd is a profiteer working China early in WWII when his conscience gets the better of him. So he slaughters some Japanese to make amends. It has not aged well."

China Clipper (1936) "Old story, old planes. Add a star if you're into reverie."

Chisum (1970) "This is a John Wayne movie. It was directed by Andrew McLaglen, the poor man's John Ford. That's all you need to know. Add a star if John Wayne makes you feel secure."

A Christmas Carol (1951) "The film, as the story, carries its own benedictions. Happy Christmas to all."

Circus World (1964) "If you've seen one circus film, you've seen them all. This one ends with a fire. If you've seen one circus fire, you've seen them all."

Cobra Woman (1943) "Maria Montez and good ole Sabu save the day."

Code of Scotland Yard (1948) "An antique dealer formerly spent some time on Devil's Island, from whence he escaped. British and slow."

Code 7, Victim 5 (1964) "In this one, the butler didn't do it, he got it done to him. How about that, mystery fans?"

The College Girl Murders (1968) "Stiffs galore, including the film. Joachim Fuchsberger, Uschi Glass and other old favorites."

The Colossus of New York (1958) "A brain surgeon transplants his dead scientist son's brain into the head of a nine-foot 480 pound automaton. Brainless."

The Colosseus of Rhodes (1954) "It's 300 B.C. and the Phoenicians are coming. Nothing."

Column South (1957) "The titles change but the story of the Union officers and the Indians never does."

Confessions of a Nazi Spy (1939) "[with] a quick early look at Jackie Gleason."

The Cool Ones (1967) "[With] that professional audience person, Mrs. Miller."

Corruption (1969) "Peter Cushing is a plastic surgeon this time, but he's as weird as ever. He develops a new technique for treating scars, which, of course, requires bodies. Of course."

Corvette K-225 (1943) "On convoy duty in WWII. Add a star if actual war footage turns you on."

Countess Dracula (1972) " The Countess not only drinks blood, she bathes in it. It flows along."

Creation of the Humanoids (1962) "Atom blast creates war for survival between humans and robots called 'clickers,' who become humanistic through transfusions. Nothing much clicks in this clinker."

Creature From the Haunted Sea (1961) "A mobster creates a fake monster, then what should happen but there appears a real monster. Laugh along with the mobster, the mobster's monster and the monster monster."

Creatures of Destruction (1968) "A hypnotist seems to have mystic powers. There is no doubt that he can put you to sleep."

The Curse of Bigfoot (1972) "He's big, but not good."

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) "The Baron is doing his needlepoint again and dropping the same stitches, which allows Christopher Lee to run amuck."

Curse of Nostradamus (1960) "Bet you didn't know Nostradamus was a vampire. That's what it says here, badly."

Curse of the Swamp Creature (1966) "A mad doctor is out to cross a man with a lizard. It is to laugh."

Curse of the Undead (1956) "Vampires go west in this attempt at a horror western. It is successful in that it is horrible."

Curucu, Beast of the Amazon (1956) "Something is killing the natives. It is rumored they died laughing."

Daughter of Dr. Jekyll (1957) "Tainted bloody bore."

Day of the Triffids (1963) "A kind of Euell Gibbons nightmare..."

Dead Man's Eyes (1944) "Lon Chaney Jr. struggles with the load."

Death Curse of Tartu (1966) "From out of the Aztec ruins comes the legendary Gor. Is it animal or is it human? Or is it both? With any luck at all, you will never know. Edge-of-the-chair suspense in this #$%*& tale..."

Death Race 2000 (1975) "Strictly for popsicle suckers."

Death Valley (1982) "Sunbelt psycho stalks Manhattan moppet of separated parents---'Kramer vs. Creeper.'"

The Demon Planet (1965) "Strange happenings on the planet Aura that must be placed high on your must miss list."

Desert Detour (1958) "Death duel in the desert, under the sun. The hot sun. The hot, hot sun."

Desert Legion (1953) "Alan Ladd is a French Legionnaire. Richard Conte is a bad sheik. If you can buy that casting, watch it. Akim Tamiroff supplies the acting. Arlene Dahl is pretty."

The Desperados (1969) "A mean film of tragic revenge for mental health researchers."

Destination Fury (1963) "It's silly, it's dubbed and stars somebody named Dorian Grey. That's three strikes in any league."

Destroyer (1943) "Edward G. Robinson is an old salt. Glenn Ford is a new salt. Marguerite Chapman is the old salt's daughter, who is in love with the new salt. It's salty."

Diary of a Madman (1963) "Good for demon freaks and other weirdos."

Did You Hear the One About the Traveling Saleslady? (1968) "If they mean this one, anybody who hasn't, shouldn't. Phyllis Diller plays the title role."

Dirty Larry, Crazy Mary (1974) "It will leave you numb with disbelief."

Doctor X (1932) "It's been done a hundred times and this early effort is the equal of the other 99. Just try to ignore the then-standard 'comic relief.'"

Don't Forget to Wipe the Blood Off (1966) "Remember to miss it."

Don't Knock the Twist (1966) "Just forget it."

Don't Make Waves (1967) "Well-built boys and girls, including Claudia Cardinale and Sharon Tate, and Tony Curtis trying to arrange bed and board. Tight and sitthoughable."

Doomwatch (1972) "...one of the last outings for George Sanders."

Double Trouble (1967) "Only Colonel Parker could sit through this."

Dracula Has Risen From the Grave (1969) "Christopher Lee is properly creepy as Transylvania's leading citizen, but Bela he's not."

Dr. Blood's Coffin (1961) "Can a weird scientist be far behind? No, he can't."

Dr. Cyclops (1940) "Albert Dekker is a myopic doctor in the wilds of Peru who has learned how to shrink humans to doll size for science and fun. Fondly remembered by the over-40 crowd."

Dr. Who and the Daleks (1966) "A paste-up of a BBC-TV serial that has something of a camp following. If you don't know from Daleks and Thals, forget it."

Drums (1938) "The English film's title was 'The Drum,' which makes sense. In this country, they changed it to 'Drums,' which doesn't."

Duffy's Tavern (1945) "This is a really dumb picture about the old radio show cast trying to save the tavern, but it's interesting for the guest shots by Paramount's big guns at the time, from Alan Ladd and Veronica Lake to Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. For buffs and nostalgia addicts only."

The Eagle Has Landed (1977) "...an overstuffed and under-cooked turkey."

Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (1956) "Buy the premise, buy the flick." [A favorite Cashman caveat]

Elephant Walk (1954) "Elizabeth Taylor stars, but that's Vivien Leigh in some of the long shots before she got sick and had to be replaced."

The Elusive Corporal (1962) "Still another escape from a German POW camp. This one is more camp than escape."

Embryo (1976) "The movie is so bad it hurts."

Emergency Squad (1940) "If you can picture Brenda Starr working with Dick Tracy to knock off a crime syndicate, you win your black orchid for watching this one."

Enter the Devil (1971) "Hail, Satan---and let you-know-who take the hindmost."

Equinox (1969) "An archeologist is missing and up jumps the devil. In California, of course."

The Evil of Frankenstein (1964) "It limps along."

Face of Marble (1946) "A mad doctor tries to bring the dead back to life. Would that the director could have performed the same miracle."

Fair Wind to Java (1952) "Vera Hruba Ralston is not pretty." [Mentioned in every review of a movie with her]

Fall of the Roman Empire (1964) "This inept spectacle led to the fall of the movie empire of producer Samuel Bronston."

The Fallen Sparrow (1943) "The limping man is up to no good."

The Family (1973) "It's pure lasagna."

Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) "You watch something with a title like this, you get what you deserve."

The Far Horizons (1955) "Fred MacMurray and Charlton Heston snap jaw muscles at each other in this very loose Hollywood version of the Lewis-Clark Expedition. Bad history aside, it plays."

The Fat Man (1951) "Fatty J. Scott Smart recreates his role in the old radio series to find out why a dentist was murdered. An early Rock Hudson wanders through. Lightweight except for Smart."

Female on the Beach (1955) "Joan Crawford square shoulders her way through another offshoot of 'Suspicion,' while Jeff Chandler square-jaws around acting strange."

Fiend Without a Face (1958) "Deadly brain monsters start a reign of terror near a U.S. Air Force radar station in Canada. Brainless."

Fighter Attack (1953) "Flashbacks to WW II and who cares."

The Firefly (19??) "...the answer to the trivia question about where and when Allan Jones first sang 'Donkey Serenade.'"

A Fistful of Dollars (1966) "Clop-clop, grunt-grunt, boom-boom."

Five Golden Dragons (1968) "A drug cartel run by five masked men is broken up by a reporter who lucks into the story while in Hong Kong. Ah, those movie reporters."

Follow That Dream (1962) "A family squats on some unclaimed Florida land, which supplies five song cues for Elvis Presley and some inane down-home dialogue."

Footsteps in the Fog (1955) "A widowed murderer and a blackmailing Cockney maid square off in Victorian England and almost talk each other to death."

The Foreman Went to France (1941) "And so he does, to keep a certain secret piece of equipment from falling into Nazi hands. Early WWII and British."

The Forest Rangers (1942) " Give it a yawn and a half."

Four Guns to the Border (1945) "An ex-gunslinger going straight, a band of outlaws, the ex-gunslinger's daughter, a bank robbery, an indian attack, assorted gunplay, and a mild morality lesson to round things off. In other words, another routine western."

Frankenstein (1931) "It's about this baron who builds things."

Frankenstein Conquers the World (1966) "Nick Adams is spliced into a Japanese quickie and you won't notice because with any luck you won't be watching."

Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1971) "And a bloody bore to boot."

Frankenstein's Daughter (1959) "Suffice to say that she's a monster."

Frankie and Johnny (1966) "[With] Elvis Presley. Watch him wiggle on a Mississippi riverboat."

The French Line (1954) "Shot in 3-D, which means you should watch for things coming at the camera--if you watch it at all."

From Istanbul, Orders to Kill (1965) "The old look-a-like-taking-place-of-gangster gambit. The orders to kill should have included the film."

Fun in Acapulco (1963) "For Elvis Presley, perhaps, but it's not contagious. Romance, songs, sand, surf, sun and about 14 blinding sets of capped teeth."

Fun with Dick and Jane (1977) "See Dick lose his job. See Jane worry. See Dick and Jane turn to crime. The crime is fun. Dick and Jane are screwballs. George Segal is Dick. Jane Fonda is Jane. Ed McMahon is Charlie. See Charlie drink."

The Fury of the Wolfman (1973) "On bringing out the beast in man, which, in this case, is a drag."

Reviews, G-N

2007-05-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

The Games (1969) "Dave Zinman and other jogging freaks can add a star." [Zinman was a fellow Newsday writer.]

Get Yourself a College Girl (1964) "Or a good book."

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) "[A] rare achievement: a children's picture even the children think is a stiff."

The Giant Behemoth (1959) "Redundant, like the title."

The Giant Claw (1957) "There is this colossal bird that is mistaking people for worms, which causes colossal problems, one of which is the script."

The Giant Gila Monster (1959) "The title says it all."

Giant From the Unknown (1958) "In the mountains of Spain, a village gets the idea that the ghost of a giant conquistador is haunting them. Call it indigestion."

Gift of Love (1958) "Flat remake of 'Sentimental Journey,' which was a 3-Kleenex sudser about a dying wife and an adopted little girl. Don't fret. Momma's going to heaven."

The Girl From Petrovka (1974) "It plays like caviar washed down with Pepsi."

Girl Happy (1964) "Everybody's very healthy."

Girl in Room 13 (1961) "A private detective goes to Brazil searching for a girl wanted for murder. It doesn't help any that it actually filmed in Brazil. Bad is bad."

Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962) "Quick, name one movie with an exclamation point in the title that was any good."

Glamour Boy (1941) "Former child star, now a soda jerk, coaches boy genius. Syrupticious."

God's Little Acre (1958) "[with] Michael Landon doing an albino turn."

Godzilla (1956) "Raymond Burr is the reporter assigned to report on Mr. Zilla's present course, who continuously hops in and out of the sea causing devastation as he goes. Some funny spots."

Godzilla vs. Megalon (1976) "Godzilla saves us once again. What is it with Godzilla?"

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1967) "Godzilla saves the lives of the people of Letchi who are enslaved by an evil people bent on world conquest. How does that grab you? Godzilla was more fun as a heavy. [With] Akira Takarada, Toru Watanabe, Godzilla, Mothra, Sea Monster."

Godzilla vs. the Thing (1974) "For kids who have nothing better to do."

The Golden Horde (1951) "In the 13th century, wide-eyed Ann Blyth saves the empire from wrack and ruin as David Farrar snaps his jaw muscles. That's about it."

Gorilla at Large (1954) "A good cast, a fair idea and a bad job as murder stalks the carnival midway. If you don't guess the killer about halfway through, give up."

Grave of the Vampire (1972) "Pish-tish and a pox upon this pale tale of a son's strange memories of dear old dad."

The Green Helmet (1961) "Will Bill Travers give up race car driving for the woman he loves? Will he win the big race? English and not bad, given the eternal questions."

Guerillas in Pink Lace (1964) Four women and a man try to escape the Japanese in WW II. Root for the Japanese. George Montgomery directed himself in this film, which makes him a double loser."

Gunfighters of Casa Grande (1965) "The cows out act the boys."

Guns of the Timberland (1960) "Greedy loggers vs. ecology-minded townspeople in a routine fight to make Arbor Day meaningful."

Gypsy Colt (1954) "A horse and a small girl. What more do you need to know?"

Half a Sixpence (1969) "Flamboyant, colorful and pointless. Shortened for television, which is a blessing. Notable for a rare screen appearance by Cyril Ritchard."

Hammerhead (1968) "Next to the Bonded stuff, this distillation of spies and intrigue is moonshine. Brutal stuff to swallow."

Hannie Caulder (1972) "American/English oats involving Raquel Welch, who has been done wrong. She gets mean about it and everything gets marginally ludicrous."

The Happening (1967) "A maddeningly confused story involving four dropouts and a successful, middle-aged hoodlum they kidnap. It gets heavy, then light, then philosophical, then dumb."

Happy Birthday, Wanda June (1972) "Strangeness from Kurt Vonnegut Jr. that may read better than it plays. The plot can't be capsulized. No Vonnegut plot can. It's weird enough to try but not classic weird. And so it goes."

Harry Black and the Tiger (1958) "Stewart Granger has lost his courage, which is not good for a big game hunter. So he goes out to regain his courage, which is not good for the viewer."

Harum Scarum (1965) "At the first twist of Elvis' hip, tune in to a midnight snack."

Head (1968) "Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, David Jones and Mickey Dolenz--alias The Monkees. That's about it. But catch those screenplay credits."

Hell on Devil's Island (1957) "It certainly is."

Hell's Angels on Wheels (1970) "Bikers and other balderdash on the road. Mean, pointless and dumb. [With] Jack Nicholson trying to keep a straight face."

Hell's Island (1955) "An ex-district attorney gets involved with a stolen gem and murder. This is Hollywood's version of an ex-district attorney. Real ex-district attorneys go into corporate law or politics, either of which must be more exciting than this."

Hercules and the Black Pirate (1960) "The title tells it all, and much quicker."

Hercules of the Desert (1964) "Sex, sand, well-oiled muscles and a hernia of a story. Forget it."

High-ballin' (1978) "Peter Fonda, Jerry Reed and Helen Shaver spinning their wheels and grinding their gears in a record run (two months) from theater to TV."

Higher and Higher (1943) "Notable as Frank Sinatra's first starring role... it requires no thinking at all."

High Hell (1958) "A French-made psychodrama set in a mountain mining camp where there is a lot of acting out concerning women, gold and other hangups. Heavy."

Hitler (1962) "A Freudian look at the Nazi dictator and his women. Martin Kosleck, the quintessential Nazi, is along for laughs."

Hold Back the Night (1956) "It's all about war and this unopened bottle of scotch and if you've got your own bottle, open it."

Hold That Hypnotist (1957) "The Bowery Boys are regressed to the 17th century, where, with any luck at all, they will stay."

Hong Kong (1951) "Stolen gems, murder and a great insight into why Ronald Reagan quit making movies. Rhonda Fleming is pretty."

The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock (1964) "A surgeon fiddles around with his wife and she disappears. So he gets another wife. Horrible is not quite the word, but it will do."

Horror of Party Beach (1964) "The seaweed is coming! You have been warned."

Hostile Guns (1967) "Aren't they all."

Hot Blood (1956) "Jane Russell and Cornel Wilde are a couple of young gypsies and Luther Adler is an old gypsy. Laugh along with them, but watch your wallet."

House of Dracula (1945) "This was the end of the road for everybody--Frankenstein's monster (Glenn Strange), Dracula (John Carradine) and the Wolf Man (Lon Chaney). The mad Dr. Franz Edelman (Onslow Stevens) does them all in, including a long overdue lycanthropy cure for nice Larry Talbot. And so it goes."

House of Horrors (1946) "Fans of 'The Creeper' (Rondo Hatton) can add a star."

House of Seven Corpses (1972) "...John Ireland, Faith Domergue and John Carradine earning their money the hard way."

How To Stuff a Wild Bikini (1965) "The title makes no sense at all. Neither does the pelican."

Human Duplicators (1965) "Super beings create super robots in way-out earth takeover super plot. Superific."

Hunted Men (1938) "A gangster finds out about the nicer things in life, but it's too late. Now that you know, forget it."

I Aim at the Stars (1960) "If you can get by the fact that the film glosses over the Nazi years, then this fictionalized story of Wernher von Braun is interesting."

I Killed Rasputin (1967) "Being the personal story of Felix Youssoupoff, who, indeed, did in the Russian monk. So much for history."

I'll See You in My Dreams (1952) "Danny Thomas and Doris Day sing a lot more than your average couple."

I'll Take Sweden (1965) "Sweden takes a beating."

The Impossible Years (1968) "A tasteless, sophomoric Hollywood version of what has come to be known as the generation gap. Impossible is the word."

The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964) "A fish story about a meek bookkeeper-turned-fish who has a swimming good time becoming a World War II hero by guiding submarine chasers against enemy U-boats. Wrapped in yesterday's newspaper."

The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957) "Some buffs consider this one a winner, others think it's funny. It's definitely funny."

In Search of Noah's Ark (1976) "The easily impressed might buy it."

Invaders From Mars (1953) "It's the army and a small boy against some 8 foot monsters. Bring back the little green men."

Invasion of the Animal People (1962) "The giants with the alien brains are coming. Hide your television set."

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) "Giant pea-pods arrive from somewhere and try to take over. In sci-fi circles one of the great ones. Sam Peckinpah has a bit as the girl's father."

Invasion of the Saucer Men (1957) "Teenagers outwit little green men, which is disappointing because you'll be rooting for the aliens."

Island of Living Horror (1968) "Atomic dust creates a mutation or two, one of whom apparently turned to scriptwriting."

It Came From Outer Space (1953) "Arriving on the 1:15 meteor, faceless things bug a scientist. Production good. Premise good. The rest, not so good."

It's a Gift (1934) "And who, pray tell, is Carl LaFong?"

It's in the Bag (1945) "Fred Allen fans can add a star."

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1951) "Mad doctor and a confused teenager. Michael Landon is behind the fangs and hair. Larry Talbot should sue."

J.W. Coop (1972) "The best of the Ned Bronk stories."

Jackson County Jail (1976) "Very commercial sleaze."

Jaguar (1955) "A Republic quickie about oil prospecting, murder and retribution. For those who will watch anything that moves."

Jesse James (1939) "In this one, Jesse is a good kid who is driven to nasty things by the establishment. Frank just seems to tag along. The myth never lets facts stand in the way. Still, it's a rouser and the acting is good. Henry Hull is marvelous, always wanting to shoot somebody down like a dog. There is also the dirty little coward who..."

Jesus (1979) "Without being compelling, it touches all the basic points."

Johnny Cool (1963) "With added bits by Sammy Davis Jr., Joey Bishop and others. Why? Who knows?"

Journey to the Center of Time (1967) "A group of time travelers face insurmountable odds on earth past and future. Have another cup of coffee, you'l need it."

Jungle Jim in the Forbidden Land (1952) "Tarzan puts on clothes and says, 'Me, Jungle Jim.' And with his faithful chimpanzee renamed Timba, he cavorts around a backlot paper jungle."

Jungle Man Eaters (1954) "Jungle Jim thrashes around after diamond smugglers in an empty lot somewhere in Burbank."

Jungle Moon Men (1955) "Jungle Jim comes across some pygmies. Forget it."

Kansas City Bomber (1972) "That would be Raquel Welch and/or the film, which is about rollerderby, if you care, and you won't."

Kid Rodelo (1966) "The American West as viewed from Spain with hard types, good and bad, fighting for gold and Janet Leigh. Don Murray and Broderick Crawford are wasted, but they got paid for it. You won't."

Killer Ape (1953) "Him Jungle Jim. You change channel."

The Killer Shrews (1959) "Would you believe--oh, the hell with it."

Killers Three (1968) "Murder and other moonshine from the Dick Clark school of the quick buck. Robert Walker, Diane Varsi and a country boy named Merle Haggard."

King Kong (1933) "The classic monster film wherein a mixed affair doesn't work. Kong suffers, Fay Wray screams and Robert Armstrong becomes a philosopher. It's never been topped. Skull Island, the Third Avenue L, the Empire State Building and Bruce Cabot."

King of the Jungle (1933) "Only in America, as they say, captured jungle boy is exploited in circus animal act. All that swings is swung."

King Richard and the Crusaders (1954) "The historical and non-historical characters are so much cardboard, but it's mostly for fun and, besides, the Christians and Moslems really go at each other. Rex Harrison and George Sanders are properly animated, which makes Laurence Harvey appear all the more inanimate. Virginia Mayo is pretty."

The Kissing Bandit (1949) "If you can laugh at Frank Sinatra trying to replace his father as the hero of the title, you might find this moderately amusing. If you can't, you will suffer much."

Kiss Me Deadly (1955) "Did anyone ever take Mickey Spillane seriously?"

Kiss the Blood Off My Hands (1948) "One of the all-time great bad titles. It is almost matched by what follows, which is about Burt Lancaster on the lam after he kills a man in a fight, and Joan Fontaine, who also kills somebody, and how they meet and love and wash each others' hands in public."

Lad--A Dog (1962) From that you don't get heavy drama, but the kids and dog freaks will love it as old Lad brings happiness and love to a crippled little girl."

Lady Liberty (1971) "A large Italian sausage that is not as funny as Carlo Ponti thought it was."
The Lady From Texas (1951) "Josephine Hull does her pixilated best to inject some life into this story of an eccentric old lady on the verge of being sent to a cookie farm."

The Lady Vanishes (1938) "An elderly lady seems to disappear aboard a train in what is one of the best things Alfred Hitchcock has ever done. Just perfect. And that nun, isn't she wearing...?

Lafayette Escadrille (1958) "A group of American volunteers fly for France in World War I. William Wellman has made some great films on this general theme, but this is not one of them, probably because of Tab Hunter, who is a non-fattening actor."

The Land Unknown (1957) "A U.S. Navy expedition is struck by a storm and forced several thousand feet below sea level where it's hot as hell. But it isn't. Then again, it might be. Hell, that is."

The Last Rebel (1965) "The leader of a Mexican gang ends his life in a gunfight with a Texas Ranger. The End."

Legend of the Lost (1957) "Everybody and everything is lost. You get lost."

Let's Dance (1950) "Too much plot, not enough music. Fred Astaire is Fred Astaire. Betty Hutton overacts, even for her."

Lisa and the Devil (1973) "For those who wonder what Telly Savalas was doing while waiting for 'Kojak' to come along."

List of Adrian Messenger (1963) "There is the added game of trying to spot the stars behind the heavy makeup in several bit parts. You'll spot Robert Mitchum right away, but not Tony Curtis, Frank Sinatra and Burt Lancaster."

The Lively Set (1964) "From campus to pit stop at the big sports car race. Healthy young persons and nothing to write home about."

Look in Any Window (1961) "Or in any ash can."

Looking for Danger (1957) "And a script."

The Looney Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie (1980) "Add a star if you can't get enough of Bugs, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig and the rest of the gang, or if you're under eight, or smoke funny cigarettes."

Lord Love a Duck (1966) "George Axelrod, a funny writer, is not a funny director."

Los Tarantos (1964) "Romeo and Juliet done Barcelona/Gypsy style, with much heel stomping. Passable, but noisy."

Lost World of Sinbad (1965) "A shipwrecked pirate and the neighborhood wizard join forces to prove not every Toshiro Mifune movie is a winner."

Love Happy (1950) "The Marx Brothers are here, playing private eyes (at least two of them are), but it's not really a Marx Brothers movie. It looks as though it was pasted together. Marilyn Monroe walks through. Strange movie."

Love Has Many Faces (1965) "Can Lana Turner find happiness despite her millions and the grubby men she meets? Probably. Filmed in Acapulco and featuring about 173 dress shanges for la belle Turner."

The Loves of Salambo (1962) "Mercenaries ride on Carthage. Ever feel plain lousy?"

Loving You (1957) "Catch Lizabeth Scott's speech near the end. You won't believe it."

Machine Gun Kelly (1958) "Anyway, it's loud."

Madison Avenue (1962) "A no-good ruthless rat makes it in the dog-eat-dog world of advertising. So what else is new?"

The Magnificent Cuckold (1965) "For those who find marital infidelity amusing even if it's done with questionable taste. Claudia Cardinale is a healthy woman."

The Maltese Falcon (1941) "...a staggering bit by somebody's father."

The Man From Cairo (1954) "By way of hunger. Everybody's after a cache of hidden gold, including George Raft, who wears pointy shoes."

The Man I Love (1947) "Ida Lupino as a throaty singer who carries on through death and love with a stiff upper tonsil. What used to be called a woman's picture."

Man Made Monster (1941) "Tremendous power charges turn a simple carnival worker into a raging mindless monster who feeds on electricity. Pays "ohmage" to the power shortage and why kids are taught to stay away from outlets, if nothing else."

The Man Who Turned to Stone (1957) "Some 18th century genetic claptrap to snooze by."

Man With the X-ray Eyes (1963) "No, not Superman. It's Ray milland with eyeballs that light up in the dark. Unfortunately, you can see everything coming."

Marco Polo (1962) "Tongue-in-cheek history as Marco (Rory Calhoun) romps off to Cathy to discover spaghetti. The sauce is bad."

The Mark (1961) "Given the premise (the reclamation of a child molester), this film had to be very good or very bad. Thanks to director Guy Green and three excellent actors (Stuart Whitman, Rod Steiger and Maria Schell) it is very good. Don't miss it."

Marked For Murder (1945) "Lots of bullets and horses."

Mark of the Phoenix (1957) "A jewel thief, a few commies and an atomic secret. British and bad."

Massacre at Fort Perdition (1960) "The lone survivor of an Indian massacre is suspected of all sorts of things. Perdition is the word. Starring those old favorites, Jerry Cobb, Martha May and Hugh Pepper."

McHale's Navy (1964) "A feature-length version of the half-hour television series, which makes it about four times as long as it should have been."

Melody of Hate (1962) "Two sisters, talented pianists, fall in love with a conductor, which ruins a few lives and five reels of film."

Message From Space (1978) "Go back. Go back."

The Millionairess (1961) "Give it a try if nothing else is on."

Million Dollar Legs (1939) "No, not those holding up Betty Grable. These belong to a horse."

The Miracle of the Bells (1948) "For those who believe in miracles, including Frank Sinatra as a priest."

Mister Buddwing (1966) "A victim of amnesia borrows a name from a billboard and sets out to find his own. The script may have been borrowed from a series of billboards."

Modesty Blaise (1966) "It is rich in everything but sense."

Mohawk (1956) "The only difference between this western and any others is Rita Gam."

The Mole People (1956) "Archaeologists, without whom sleeping creatures would lie, are digging around in Asia and they find an underground race that can't stand the light of day. Neither can the film."

Monster From the Ocean Floor (1954) "A small submarine mucks about in deep water and stirs up trouble that should be avoided at all costs."

Monster on Campus (1958) "A professor juices up on some ancient fish blood and goes completely guppy. So do a dog and a dragonfly. Honest."

Monster Zero (1966) "Godzilla, Rodan and Nick Adams do the Japanese monster bit on Planet X. The title makes no sense at all. Neither does the film."

The Moon is Blue (1953) "Interesting now as an example of what was considered saucy in those days. It is to laugh."

Most Dangerous Man Alive (1961) "A cobalt explosion is turning a man's body to steel. It has a hollow ring."

Move (1970) "One of several movies that helped send Elliot Gould into eclipse. Herein he's a failed writer gone to porn and dog walking. Has he ever."

Mr. Majestyk (1974) "Watermelons even get shot in this one."

Murder by Proxy (1965) "Fear stalks a small midwestern town as murder strikes twice without cause. If possible, view by proxy."

Mutiny (1952) "Comic book characters fight the war of 1812. It's a wonder we won."

Mutiny at Fort Sharp (1965) The Indians attack a Confederate fort and a colonel goes skippyville. A bummer."

The Mysterians (1958) "[With] Kenji Sahara, Yumi Shirakawa, Momoko Kochi and other old favorites."

Mystery of Thug Island (1966) "The Thuggies are acting up, what with kidnaping and all, and here comes Guy Madison to the rescue. Where is Abner Biberman now that we need him?"

The Naked Edge (1961) "This was Gary Cooper's last film."

The Naked Runner (1967) "A dull potboiler based on a preposterous premise that involves an overly complicated murder of a defector. More easily grasped is Frank Sinatra and other cast members being slowly beaten to death by the script."

The Navy vs. the Night Monsters (1966) "A laugher."

Never Say Goodbye (1946) "A film to meditate by."

Nightmare Alley (1947) "If you don't know what a geek is, watch this one."

Night of the Living Dead (1968) "An underground cult flick about strange happenings that turn human persons into flesh-eating zombies. It's not as good as the cultists claim, but it is not bad for Pittsburgh. The ending is heavy, but what does it mean? Stay with it."

Nightmare Castle (1966) "Maybe it made more sense in Italian."

No Diamonds For Ursula (1967) "No anything for viewers."

North by Northwest (1959) "A gem from Alfred Hitchcock that stars Cary Grant, James Mason, Eva Marie Saint, Mount Rushmore, the United Nations building and a novel way to knock somebody off if you can get him on flat, open farmland."

Northern Pursuit (1943) "Helmut Dantine does his patented Nazi officer."

No Survivors Please (1964) "This tale of creatures from another planet was never released in American theaters. Tune in and find out why."

Nothing Personal (1980) "Nothing period."

Reviews, O-S

2007-05-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

Octaman (1972) "Are you ready for a mutant squid? Or how about an octopus that walks like a man? An angry herring?"

On an Island with You (1948) "If Esther Williams in a bathing suit turns you on, this is your film."

One Foot in Heaven (1941) "If this story of the trials and tribulations of a minister and his wife doesn't warm your heart, you're dead."

One Million B.C. (1940) "The struggle of cavemen to survive during prehistoric times. Different."

One Step to Hell (1968) "It is."

Operation Diplomatic Passport (1961) "To protect her diplomat father, a woman becomes a double agent. To protect yourself, turn it off."

Oregon Passage (1959) "A do-gooder cavalryman inadvertently does bad by the Shoshone tribe. The Shoshone know bad when they see it."

Our Men in Bagdad (1967) "Counterespionage in the Middle East and the biggest mystery is why they bothered."

Our Very Own (1950) "Ann Blyth accidentally discovers she's adopted, which causes a few interesting and many not so interesting problems."

The Outer Space Connection (1974) " More 'Chariots of the Gods?' nonsense designed to make you wonder if Earth wasn't founded by space travelers. All questions and no answers, which is an easy game to play."

Outpost in Indochina (1961) "Relax and watch the French attempt to hold their own in Vietnam. They didn't do any better than us." [From a 1972 guide]

Pajama Party (1968) "It's so dumb, it's funny."

Pancho Villa (1972) "Bet you didn't know the title once invaded the United States. He did---it says here. Not well, but positively."

Panic in Year Zero (1962) "Ray Milland is star and director of this interesting, if sometimes outlandish, tale of family survival after the bomb. Milland's greatest feat is not letting Frankie Avalon ruin things."

Paranoiac (1963) "A tepid English brew."

Pariahs of Glory (1964) "Whoever translated the title should be shot."

Paris Does Strange Things (1957) Ingrid Bergman in a period piece about a Polish princess involved in love and war. A dozen Polish jokes come to mind, all bad. Jean Renoir, way off his form, directed."

Passage West (1951) "There are bullwhips for the sadists."

Passion (1954) "In Old California, a young man avenges his murdered family. Cornel Wilde is properly ticked off, but passionate, no. Yvonne DeCarlo is always passionate, even when there's no reason, like here."

Phantom From 10,000 Leagues (1956) "An early radiation-will-screw-up-the-world entry that makes you wish it did, starting with people who make dumb movies about radiation."

The Pharoah's Woman (1961) "An Egyptian prince fights for love and empire. Where is George Zucco now that we need him?"

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1979) "...exquisitely photographed, excruciatingly boring metaphysical mystery."

Pin-Up Girl (1944) It's about a sailor and his girl, but it's really about what Betty Grable has that's worth pinning up. No plot, no songs worth remembering, no fun."

A Place For Lovers (1969) "Marcello Mastroianni has trouble with his English, Vittorio De Sica has trouble with his material and Faye Dunaway just has trouble in this visually good, emotionally trashy soap opera. The hopeless love wrings about half a handkerchief."

Planets Against Us (1961) "The ultimate in paranoia and a bummer."

Play it Cool (1963) "A young heiress finds out about some unpleasantness concerning her singer boyfriend. With any luck at all, you'll be watching something else by then."

The Plunderers (1960) "Average turmoil."

Portrait in Black (1960) Lana Turner changes clothes with the speed of light, Anthony Quinn agonizes over lust and medical ethics and Ross Hunter buries it all in heavy cream. It's murder."

Princess of the Nile (1954) "13th Century Egypt takes a beating in this mummified story of love and power."

Prisoner of the Iron Mask (1960) "The son of a duke is captured and held in an iron mask. Would that it was an iron maiden."

Prison Farm (1938) "Preserving this one was a waste of mothballs."

Prudence and the Pill (1968) "This is the story of Gerald and Prudence Hardcastle and how they switched birth control pills and partners. Gerald and Prudence Hardcastle are nauseating."

The Purple Mask (1955) "[Tony Curtis] is undoubtedly the fastest sword in the East Bronx."

Queen of the Pirates (1961) "No man would cross swords with her. Oh, wow."

The Racetrack Murders (1954) "The race is fixed. The film isn't."

Racing Fever (1964) "This one gets off and running on a bad startand equally bad finish as a hydro-plane racer rescues a playboy who almost killed his father. See, I told you."

Rainbow Island (1944) "Medium fun and games."

Ramrod (1947) "Ranching and other relative stuff that Joel McCrea always makes better than it actually is. Unfortunately, Veronica Lake is around to make it seem worse than it is."

Raw Wind in Eden (1958) "Jet-setters dumped on island where survival is more basic. Some movement and a lot of heavy breathing."

The Redhead From Wyoming (1953) "About a dance hall queen and a sheriff and as satisfying as a flat beer."

Reflections in a Golden Eye (1967) "This is basically a bad movie version of the Carson McCullers novel of sexual aberration and violence at a Georgia Army post, but it has some interesting performances, especially those of Marlon Brando and Brian Keith. Director John Huston tried for something and missed."

The Relentless Four (1965) "Another mean Italian western... John Wayne would cry."

The Reluctant Astronaut (1967) "Don Knotts as the silly, nervous nut who, volunteered by his father, is accepted into the astronaut training program. More of a Pfft than a blast."

Retreat Hell (1951) "Every war has its famous line. This is from the Korean war. Great line, routine movie."

Return From the Past (1956) "For beyond the grave freaks only."

Return to Macon County (1975) "Two guys, a car and an evil county. The movie that almost killed Nick Nolte's career before it started. Don Johnson and Robin Mattson have yet to recover."

Revenge of the Conquered (1960) "A couple of Gypsy lovers and how they suffer. Join them."

Revenge of the Gladiators (1962) "Watch it and see why."

Ride and Kill (1965) "The title says it all."

The Rise and Fall of Legs Diamond (1960) "Which about says it. He's a mobster, by the way, not a track star."

Robinson Crusoe and the Tiger (1972) "The story told from an animal's point of view. Forget it."

Rodan (1957) "From the bowels of the earth comes a berserk pterodactyl. As the poet says, the bird is on the wing."

Rose of Cimarron (1952) "Notable as Jack Buetel's other movie."

Run for Cover (1955) "...the last appearance of Jean Hersholt."

Sabrina (1954) "Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, William Holden and--yes, grandma--Francis X. Bushman."

Safe at Home (1962) "A Little Leaguer tells his teammates he knows some big baseball stars and then has to produce them for a league dinner. Nauseatingly cloying. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris don't help."

Sandokan the Great (1965) "The son of a sultan flexes everything but his head muscles as he plods off to rescue dear old dad. Let him go."

Santa Fe Passage (1955) "The wagon train, Indians, love, hate and a whoopee-tie-yo. Routine."

Saratoga (1937) "This was Jean Harlow's last film. She died during production and Mary Dees was used as a stand-in to finish several of the scenes by shooting over her shoulder."

Scared to Death (1947) "Notable as [Bela] Lugosi's only film in color, which is great for trivia quizzes but does nothing for the movie."

Search for the Evil One (1968) "Is Hitler alive and well and living in South America? Who cares?"

The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet (1978) "Shakespeare would not have liked this. So it goes."

Seven Golden Men (1967) "Routine Big Caper involving the Swiss National Bank and the usual cool pros. Enough already."

79 A.D. (1960) "It was a very good year for vicious slave traders, fearless gladiators and Susan Paget and Brad Harris were there."

She Demons (1956) "Another shipwreck on a Pacific island where some strange men do some strange things with women. Coconuts."

She Done Him Wrong (1933) "Mae West does her broad best in this Gay Nineties spoof based on the play Diamond Lil. And this is where she gets to say "Come up and see me sometime." An unbelievably young Cary Grant is at the other end of the offer. Good fun."

She Wolf of London (1946) "The mental warpage is infectious."

Shootout at Medicine Bend (1957) "After the Indian wars, three men avenge a death. Randolph Scott doing his thing. The titles change, but he doesn't."

Sidney Sheldon's Bloodline (1979) "Classy/trashy."

Sign of the Cross (1932) "...a prologue was added in 1944 to make all the decadence and piety seem more meaningful."

Sign of the Pagan (1955) "You haven't lived until you've seen jack Palance playing Attila The Hun. Coat heavily with hack religion and try to swallow it."

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1969) "Another small New England town with a horrendous secret that won't stay buried. What is it with New England?"

Silkwood (1983) "The story of Karen Silkwood, an atomic age Rosie the Riveter."

Silver Star (1955) "For Jimmy Wakely fans only."

Sincerely Yours (1955) "An all-time baddie, in spite of or because of its star Liberace, who comes complete with neon teeth, dimples and candelabra."

633 Squadron (1964) "Fatigue is setting in."

Slaughter of the Vampires (1962) "The vampires arrange to take over the world and it's just horrible."

The Snake People (1968) "Voodoo, LSD, sloppy camera work and Boris Karloff in a not very thrilling combination."

So Darling, So Deadly (1967) "Darling, no. Deadly, yes."

Sombra, the Spider Woman (1966) "Her father wants to conquer the world from the fourth dimension. So like a good daughter, this sinister but beautiful fortune teller begins a campaign of murder. Far out stuff."

Somebody Up There Likes Me (1956) "Stars... a ringer for Tony Zale named Courtland Shepard."

Some People (1964) "An object lesson in why this country has cornered the market on singing, swinging movies. This English try has a choirmaster getting his kids to do their thing for the church social. Very flat."

Son of El Cid (1965) "It is hoped the old man never lived to see his son in action."

Son of Kong (1933) "Sued by half of New York (4,000,000 people?--it could only happen in New York) for the destruction that King Kong has wrought, producer Carl Denham sails back to Skull Island to find the mighty ape's offspring."

So This is Paris (1955) "Gloria DeHaven is pretty."

South of Pago Pago (1940) "Terrific title, then downhill..."

South Sea Sinner (1950) "...that piano player, isn't he...?"

S*P*Y*S (1974) "This was supposed to be M*A*S*H joins the C*I*A, but it's N*O*T..."

Spaceways (1953) " A quickie about a flight into space. A quiet day at Cape Kennedy has more thrills."

The Spider Woman Strikes Back (1946) "A young girl fears that her predecessors may have been used to feed a strange plant. Root for the plant."

Spook Chasers (1957) "An old house, stolen money and some bumbling crooks. The Bowery Boys are getting older and dumber."

Starship Invasions (1978) "An idiotic bit of nonsense that ties the future of the universe to a battle between some bald-headed rabbits and a few scuba-suited strangeos with coat-hanger shoulders."

Station Six Sahara (1964) "Some isolated engineers start breathing heavy when Carroll Baker arrives breathing heavy. Who ever thought lust could be dull?"

Storm in Jamaica (1959) "A plane crash and stranded passengers. Also titled 'Passionate Summer,' which gives you an idea of how they work it out."

Stranger of the Tower (1966) "A legendary emerald is gone and there is an unknown assassin on the loose. It doesn't sound dull, but it is."

Strangler in the Swamp (1946) "A hanged man returns to seek vengeance because he was innocent. He mucks about. Beware."

Summer Holiday (1963) "Dumb, but not bad considering it's English."

Superdad (1974) "Dad's a boob."

Supernatural (1933) "From the vault comes spirit possession and other murky stuff, including Randolph Scott without a horse. A vaguely interesting oldie."

Susan and God (1940) "Joan Crawford gets religion and everybody else gets nervous. Mild, with some pointed dialogue by Anita Loos. Frederic March, an early Rita Hayworth and Gloria DeHaven in her first film."

The Swinger (1966) "Ann-Margaret lies about being hip and loose, then sets out to prove it in the worst movie of 1966 and, quite probably, the five years before and after."

Swingers Paradise (1969) "Quick, name two good English musicals."

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982) "Dungeons, daggers, doxies, dim light, dopey. But sort of likable, too."

Reviews, T-Z

2007-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Take Me Out to the Ballgame (1949) "Baseball at the turn of the century takes a beating from Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra and Jules Munshin. Esther Williams swims."

Tarzan and the Jungle Boy (1968) "Mike Henry is the 15th set of muscles to play the hero and he earns his banana by finding a boy lost in the jungle."

Tarzan and the Leopard Woman (1946) "Old Tarz, the Mrs. and Boy rescue school girls from restless natives in a quickie made in somebody's backyard."

Tarzan and the She-Devil (1953) "Of pachyderms, epiderms and other exciting stuff. A two-banana outing for the vine-swinger."

Tarzan and the Valley of Gold (1966) "Now it's Mike Henry with a banana in his ear. He's no Elmo Lincoln as he retrieves a kidnaped boy, but who is?

Tarzan's Desert Mystery (1943) "Tarzan takes on Nazi spies. You buy that, you buy this banana."

Tarzan's Greatest Adventure (1959) "Gordon Scott earns his engraved banana in this classy production that takes the same old character and story line and makes something out of them. The on-location shooting helps. As a bonus there's a look at Sean Connery before he was transformed into 007."

Tarzan's Savage Fury (1952) "A safari headed by a relative of Tarzan comes into the jungle in search of the ape man. Why not? They've done everything else."

Tarzan's Secret Treasure (1941) "Not exactly the ape man's best, but he puts in his two bananas worth. Life's a jungle."

Tarzan's Three Challenges (1963) Ex-stuntman Jock Mahoney takes a crack at our jungle hero, who has somehow gotten to Southeast Asia. Give him a banana."

Teenage Zombies (1958) "Some teens discover an island with an evil woman doctor who turns people into zombies and makes viewers disappear."

Tender is the Night (1962) "The F. Scott Fitzgerald novel is reduced to pap as Jennifer Jones overacts, Jason Robards underacts and everybody else sleepwalks."

Tennessee's Partner (1954) "A saloon queen, a gambler, a cowpoke and trouble. From a Bret Harte story by way of some Hollywood hack."

Tenth Avenue Angel (1948) "Sometimes you can take Margaret O'Brien as a precocious and brilliant psychotherapist, and sometimes you can't. This turkey is the latter sometimes."

Terror Beneath the Sea (1968) "Waterlogged gore to please the kiddies."

Terror From the Year 5000 (1958) "Time machine brings back a female monster from the future. 5000 obviously will be a bad year."

Terror House (1974) "Night and the house and dubbed."

The Terrornauts (1967) "Creatures beyond imagination are coming to eat us. The whole thing is beyond imagination. Beware."

That Championship Season (1982) "No trophies."

That Kind of Woman (1959) "You know what kind of woman that is."

Theatre of Death (1967) "Christopher Lee, the poor man's Karloff, hovers."

They Call Me Bruce? (1982) "One more drug-trafficking ethnic comic, this time in the form of Korean Johnny Yune."

They Came From Beyond Space (1967) "And beyond belief, these cruel things that would enslave mankind."

They Came to Rob Las Vegas (1969) "Add a star if you're into flame throwers and tires that squeal on dirt roads."

They Saved Hitler's Brain (1964) "He doesn't seem the same without his moustache."

The Thin Red Line (1964) "A thin James Jones WWII novel about a stolen pistol and some interpersonal stuff on Guadalcanal gets a thin playing--not uninteresting, just thin."

The Third Secret (1964) "When a psychiatrist dies, his patients develop some suspicious tics. English and talky, but nicely played and ultimately solid. Add a star if you appreciate style."

The Thirsty Dead (1974) "For die-hard cultists."

13 Ghosts (1966) "The old haunted house bit that might appeal to children under five, providing they have no imagination."

This Woman is Dangerous (1952) "For those who enjoy watching Joan Crawford suffer and somehow survive."

300 Spartans (1962) "...an embarrassment to all concerned."

Till the Clouds Roll By (1947) "...you haven't lived until you've seen an incredibly young Frank Sinatra sing 'Old Man River' coming out of a cloud bank in a white suit."

Tom Horn (1980) "Frontier scout is hired to assassinate cattle rustlers. Picturesque elegy for an old western hero is as big as all outdoors, but about as much fun as a sunstroke."

Tower of London (1962) "This one has Vincent Price stomping around as Richard the Third and hamming it up unmercifully. He kills, sees ghosts galore and finally goes completely bananas. For those who can laugh at strange persons."

Track of the Moon Beast (1976) "A piece of asteroid turns a man into a lizard. From this you don't get great drama."

Track of the Vampire (1966) "Is there a vampire loose in Venice? Do gondoliers sing?"

The Train Robbers (1973) "John Wayne occasionally makes a bomb. This is the occasion."

Treasure of the Golden Condor (1953) "Cornel Wilde muscles his way through 18th Century Guatemala on a tresure hunt. For Mayan temple addicts and Fay Wray fans."

Treasure of San Teresa (1959) "There is a fortune in jewels at stake if you can keep your eyes open."

Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) "That Humphrey Bogart's playing of Fred C. Dobbs didn't win him an Oscar is one of Hollywood's enduring mysteries."

Treasures of Kenya (1967) "A search for uranium goes into deepest Africa, at least that what the posters say."

The Triumph of Michael Strogoff (1964) "An officer in the Czar's army conceives a plan, which is the high point in the entire story. Root for the Turks."

Trog (1970) "An anthropologist finds the missing link and tries to mother it. He's a bad boy. He kills people. See Trog kill."

20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) "Another blob, another crisis, same old story."

Twist All Night (1962) "Who could sleep with all that noise? A loud, dumb film about a band leader and some teenagers."

Twist Around the Clock (1962) [Same movie as above?] "How Chubby Checker got hip in the mountains, if you care."

The Two-Headed Spy (1949) "Jack Hawkins is a German general. He's also a British spy. The way it's done here, it makes sense. British and nice."

Two Lost Worlds (1950) An American ship captain and a colony from Australia land on an island filled with huge inflated rubber monsters of prehistoric vintage. Don't be scared."

UFO (1956) "'Unidentified Flying Objects' all over the place, and it takes Army intelligence better than half the flick to realize it. It's a baddy."

UFO Target Earth (1974) "A quickie about aliens from another world that will dull your mind."

Underwater (1955) "Jane Russell swims. Hot stuff then. [Also stars] Gilbert Roland with his wrist strap."

Underwater City (1962) "An engineer sets out to build the title. Some moments, but mostly glub, glub."

The Unearthly (1957) "Beware."

Unholy Wife (1957) "Rod Steiger overacts, Diana Dors overexposes."

Unknown Island (1948) "A scientist aboard a tramp steamer discovers an uncharted island full of inflated rubber dinosaurs."

Up Front (1951) "David Wayne and Tom Ewell may or may not be your idea of Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe come to life. It's on that measure that the picture rests. If you've never heard of Willie and Joe or Bill Mauldin, forget the whole thing."

The Valachi Papers (1972) "Given the facts (the confessions of Joseph Valachi), this is an incredibly dumb and over-acted movie that wastes a lot of talent. It's a wonder the Cosa Nostra or mafia or whatever it is survived."

The Valley of Gwangi (1968) "Hollywood comes through with another rubber inflated prehistoric monster, and this one goes to church. If you've got a pin."

The Valley of Gwangi (1970) "In this valley there are prehistoric monsters that are extremely funny to behold. There is also an extremely small horse and some extremely stiff dialogue with acting to match. This is an extremely dumb movie."

Valley of the Dolls (1967) "Four show biz women with problems you won't believe. From that novel. Not quite the worst movie ever made, but in there trying all the way."

The Vampire's Ghost (1945) "The natives are restless because there is a vampire stalking their village. Almost bad enough to be funny."

The Vanquished (1953) "After the Civil War, a southern town is reconstructing. If this is a sample of what was happening at the time, it's a wonder the South survived."

Varan the Unbelievable (1962) "Amen."

The Veils of Bagdad (1954) "Victor Mature picking up a fast buck in 16th century Bagdad saving the Ottoman Empire. Mari Blanchard is pretty, too. Watch for an early James Arness."

The Vengeance of Fu Manchu (1968) "Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu."

The Very Thought of You (1944) "Passable suds."

Village of Daughters (1958) "A visiting Englishman gets involved in some local Italian mating rituals that aren't especially funny. Neither is the Englishman."

Village of the Damned (1960) "It was directed by Wolf Rilla. Now, there's a name."

Villa Rides (1968) "He also wears a wig and looks suspiciously like Yul Brynner."

The Virginian (1929) "There are indications that sound caught this entire production by surprise. It is so bad it is extremely funny."

Voodoo Island (1957) "Boris Karloff. A blood and voooodooo, who dooo?"

Voodoo Woman (1957) "A film to stick pins by."

Walking Tall (1973) "A big one in the boondocks, where it opened to raves. Try it, if only to wonder."

Walking Tall, Part II (1975) "Great movie for closet aggressives."

The War Lord (1966) "Charlton Heston sports an interesting haircut."

War of the Colossal Beast (1958) "'The Amazing Colossal Man' did well, so they made this one. It's the old radiation thing again. Colossal is the word."

War of the Gargantuas (1966) "A good monster and a bad monster go at it with the world at stake. You knew it would come to this, didn't you?"

War of the Monsters (1966) "This time around it's Barugon vs. Gamera and it's not even funny anymore. [With] Kojiro Emami and other persons you never saw before and, with any luck, will never see again."

War Wagon (1967) "Some laughs and killings."

Way... Way Out (1966) "Another one of those slapstick Jerry Lewis entries, this time he heads for the moon and lands on his...! You can always look at Anita Ekberg."

The Werewolf (1956) "Can lycanthropy be dull?"

Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory (1963) "From the producers of 'Frankenstein at the Laundromat.'"

Wet Asphalt (1961) "An idealist is shattered when his journalist idol distorts the truth. As dull as it sounds."

What Did You Do in the War, Daddy? (1966) "Well, son, I had so much fun in this Italian village you just wouldn't believe it. But Daddy, isn't war supposed to be hell? No son, not when it's written, produced and directed by Blake Edwards."

What's the Matter with Helen? (1971) "She has a bad case of Baby Jane, including the dark secret, mental fix and writer. The 1930's atmosphere is dandy and there are some chilling moments, especially in the area of piano solos, but the film lacks something. Try it." Starring Shelley Winters, Debbie Reynolds, Dennis Weaver, and that old standard 'Goody Goody.'"

When Worlds Collide (1951) "The film won an Oscar for special effects. It was not a good year for special effects."

Where Love Has Gone (1964) "Nicely packaged and deodorized garbage..."

Where the Bullets Fly (1966) "Routine shooting and loving."

Where Were You When the Lights Went Out? (1968) "Well, if you're Doris Day you're where you usually are, which is playing cute, clean sex games. the plot twist is the 1965 power failure on the East Coast. Sitthroughable."

White Lightning (1973) "Mostly, but not all bad."

The White Warrior (19??) "An Italian version of Russian history that is all flab under the muscles."

The Wicked Dreams of Paula Schultz (1968) "Or, Hogan's Heroes go from hot to cold war and a bigger budget to support Elke Sommer and some of the worst East/West humor this side of Minsk."

Wings of Fire (1967) "It's worse than it sounds."

Wizard of Mars (1964) "Spaced-out rocketship stuff that wouldn't fool your baby sister, nor interest her."

Worlds Apart (1980) "A weighty theme rendered ponderous. Amos Kollek, son of Jerusalem's mayor, stars."

X From Outer Space (1966) "What can you say about a misunderstood 15,000 ton spore from the moon?"

A Yank in Vietnam (1964) "A marine, war and love. On the hellish side."

Year 2889 (1965) "Anything but vintage, after another nuclear holocaust---mutants, too."

You Came Along (1945) "Three Army buddies on a war bond tour in World War II with Lizabeth Scott as their chaperone. Time has reduced the tear wringing to about a handkerchief and a half."

You Can't Run Away From It (1956) "Ah, but you can--and should. Dick Powell directed, if you care."

You'll Like My Mother (1972) "It's a weird family. It's a weird house. It's a weird movie."

Youngblood Hawk (1964) "James Franciscus is a writer on the way to success and other problems. You won't believe a word of it. Herman Wouk wouldn't believe a word of it and he wrote the novel."

The Young One (1961) "Symbolic, somewhat turgid and strange, as usual. Luis Bunuel either turns you on or he doesn't. There's no middle ground."

You're in the Navy Now (1951) "It concerns a green crew and a new engine they must cope with. They cope. You won't."

Ziegfield Follies (1946) "MGM emptied the lot for this salute to Flo Ziegfield, who, in the person of William Powell, watches from heaven. Ah, Hollywood."

Zontar, the Thing From Venus (1967) "Venus, maybe. Hunger, definitely."

Review For April Fools...

2007-03-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

In the April 1-7 1973 TV Book, this movie description is the very first listing, for 5am on channel 53:

*** THE CLAM THAT ATE PITTSBURGH (Fantasy, 1969).

An immense bivalve mollusk goes berserk after drinking the Monongahela River and criminally assaults Three Rivers Stadium before being turned into stone by Mr. Rogers, who has a magic horseradish. Interesting, if you check the calendar. Dubbed. Sonny Tufts, Martin Koslek, George Zucco, Lionel Atwill, Wild Bill Elliot, Sabu, Mark Damon, Iron Eyes Cody, Zasu Pitts and the entire Pirates bullpen. (2 hrs.)

Adjectives of the Ever-Brassy John Cashman

2006-11-13T15:59:00.000-08:00

"...the inscrutible Philip Ahn."
"...the indomitable Jack Hawkins."
"...the incomparable Sheldon Leonard."
"...the always-pleasing Sheldon Leonard."
"...the ever-popular Zi May Leddin."
"...the ever-popular Mae Busch."
"...the ever-old Maria Ouspenskaya."
"...one of the all-time greats, Maria Ouspenskaya."
"...the ever-popular Chips Rafferty."
"...the ever-present Chips Rafferty."
"...the one and only Ernest Thesinger."
"...the always spooky George Zucco."
"...the always popular George Zucco."

Spooky and popular.

"...the passionate Yvonne DeCarlo."
"...the multilingual Akim Tamiroff."
"...the irrepressible Carmen Miranda."
"...the indestructible Bob Steele."
"...the redoubtable Kane Richmond."
"...the ever-popular Rose Hobart."
"...the unforgettable Stefan Schnabel."
"...the legendary Olympe Bradna."

Olympe, the legend.

"...the legendary Richard Loo."
"...the legendary Sonny Tufts."
"...the legendary Frankie Darro."
"...the fabled Frankie Darro."
"...the always pleasing Glenda Farrell."
"...the saturnine John Carradine."
"...the ever-saturnine Basil Rathbone."
"...one of the all-time great heavies, Joseph Calleia."
"...the always interesting Joseph Calleia."

Person of interest.

"...the brassy Iris Adrian."
"...the leggy Ann Miller."
"...the beautiful Victoria Shaw."
"...the pretty Rhonda Fleming."
"...the beautiful Rhonda Fleming."
"...the beautiful Arlene Dahl."
"...the pretty Virginia Mayo."
"...the moon-pretty Adele Mara."

Adele Mara, from Esquire's Date Book 1943.

"...the pouting sex of Joey Heatherton."
"...the menacing Lee Van Cleef."
"...the unforgettable Abner Biberman."
"...the always pleasing Gilbert Roland."
"...the always entertaining Nehemiah Persoff."
"...the not-so-pretty Vera Hruba Ralston."

Not so pretty? You be the judge...

"...the always underrated George Tobias."

"...the always pleasing George Tobias."

"...the illusive John Hudson." [?]

"...the wide-eyed Ann Blythe."

"...the pouty Ann Blythe."

"...the consumer's friend, Betty Furness."

"...the unforgettable Veda Ann Borg."

"...the unforgettable Angelique Pettijohn."

Indeed!

Films Deemed "Sitthroughable"

2006-11-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

Heard of any of 'em?

Alias a Gentleman (1948)
Atomic City (1952)
Autumn Leaves (1956)
The Black Torment (1965)
Calling Dr. Death (1953)
Christmas Eve (1947)
Chubasco (1968)
The Crawling Eye (1958)
Crest of the Wave (1954)
Don't Make Waves (1967)
The Eagle and The Hawk (1950)
The Evil Eye (1962)
Five Golden Dragons (1968)
Front Page Woman (1935)
The Gamma People (1956)
Happy Go Lovely (1951)
The Last Safari (1967)
The Last Winter (1962)
Minnesota Clay (1965)
Night Creatures (1962)
Nightmare in Chicago (1966)
On Moonlight Bay (1951)
Practically Yours (1944)
Psychomania (1964)
Samar (1962)
Seminole (1953)
The Slime People (1967)
Strange Bedfellows (1964)
Talk About a Stranger (1952)
Tiger by the Tail (1968)
Trail of the Wind (1974) [Also called "Trail of the Wild" in another issue]
Trouble Along the Way (1953)
Vicki (1953)
Where Were You When the Lights Went Out? (1968)
The Wild and the Innocent (1959)
The Wild Blue Yonder (1952)

John Cashman Hesitantly Urges You, "Try it..."

2006-11-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

"...for laughs." (Hercules, 1959)

"...if you're in the mood." (Meet Me in Las Vegas, 1956)

"...but don't expect too much." (Rocketship X-M, 1951)

"...if only for [James Cagney]." (Never Steal Anything Small, 1959)

"...if only to watch Thomas Mitchell out act everybody in sight." (Flight From Destiny, 1941)

"...for the acting and what it attempts." (Night Moves, 1975)

"...if you care." (Not With My Wife You Don't, 1966)

"...if you must." (Three Days of the Condor, 1975)

"...it's almost a winner." (Mask of Dimitrios, 1944)

"...if nothing else is on." (Impasse, 1969)

"...on a slow night." (The Unfaithful, 1947)

"...for old times' sake." (Now, Voyager, 1942)

"...if only for old times' sake." (God's Little Acre, 1958)

"...if only for the novel view." (John and Mary, 1969)

"...it's not too bad." (Tombstone, 1942)

"...if the beat to quarters gets to you." (Captain Horatio Hornblower, 1951)

"...if the hour is right and the mood is upon you." (Blood of the Vampire, 1958)

And my favorite:

"...when you're feeling blue." (The Brighton Strangler, 1945)

The Perennially Shirtless Alan Ladd...

2006-11-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly what the story is here, but John Cashman sure seemed to enjoy pointing out Alan Ladd's propensity for going shirtless in his films...

And Now Tomorrow (1944) "A young doctor from the wrong side of town (Alan Ladd, with and without his shirt) sets his cap for a rich girl who is deaf. Dr. Ladd clears that up without everyone ever saying he has a magnificent obsession. A couple of Kleenex."

Botany Bay (1953) "[Stars] Alan Ladd, with and without his shirt."

Branded (1950) "Interesting, if expectable western that finds Alan Ladd (with and without his shirt) posing as wealthy rancher's long-lost son for monetary gain."

Drum Beat (1954) "Average Ladd, with and without his shirt."

The Iron Mistress (1952) "Alan Ladd plays a steel-hard Jim Bowie (with and without a shirt) who, among other things, designed a knife. And there's something other-worldly about that weapon."

O.S.S. (1946) "The question is, does Alan take off his shirt or not?"

Santiago (1956) "Alan Ladd will sell guns and explosives to the highest bidder, but down deep he really is a fine person. And he gets to take his shirt off."

Saskatchewan (1954) "Alan Ladd and Shelley Winters are the mismatch of the year in this routine tale of cowboys, Indians and Mounties. And yes, Ladd gets to take his shirt off."

Thunder in the East (1953) "Alan Ladd is running guns (and taking his shirt off) again, this time to political elements in India."

Hell Below Zero (1954) "The antarctic, but Alan Ladd still gets his shirt off in this choppy tale of a whaling vessel, a woman and another man."

Christmas Eve Listings, Newsday 1977

2006-11-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

Here are the listings of that bygone yuletide Saturday. You can read some Cashman reviews in their entirety.
(Click on each pic to see it close enough to read.)

By special request, here is the review for "It's a Wonderful Life."

And here are a few Christmas week covers...

1980

1981

Peculiar Movie Genres of the Newsday TV Book

2006-11-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

"Gothic"
"Fairy Tale" (Donkey Skin)
"Factoid" (In Search of Noah's Ark)
"Weird" (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
"Weltanschauung" (Nashville)
"Yuk" (The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave)